Approximately two years ago, around the time that I was wrapping up my time with HBWL/B&S (RIP), I was approached by Big Daddy BG Kid Leopard with yet another invitation to start wrestling for BG East. I of course jumped at the chance. On the day that I was set to return to the real world and my life outside of BGEast, a group picture of me sandwiched between Blaine Janus and Red Baron popped up on a blog that I had occasionally (ok, frequently) enjoyed.
This blog had the ability to push my buttons, to turn me on and titillate me with hot pictures and commentary on homoerotic wrestling releases from various companies (including, of course, WHAT ELSE?! my personal favorite: BG East.) I was often entranced at the skill of this wordsmith who knew exactly just what to say to encourage me to put my dick away and whip out my credit card and buy whatever he was hocking. (Notice my use of the word "had")
My mind buzzing with the compliments (albeit the disparaging ones about me needing fashion advice from Skip Vance? Pfft! I did win a Fashion Friday all on my own) from this blogger, I reached out with a particularly gushing email (that I thought would be discarded as a troll email) that said, with all the subtleties I possess, "OMFG! That's ME!"
A rapport was built. We traded many e-mails and built, what I thought at the time, was a friendship. I tend to be nice to my fans. He would prop me up and soothe my bruised ego when I hit one of the many speed bumps on my way to my first win over Ty "Jizzslapped" Alexander.
I had a match with Mason Brooks which, next to my near-fatal run in with Jonny Firestorm, is my most frustrating on-camera loss to date. Bard was so entranced by the entire DVD (Passion and Punishment Drake vs Mason, Skrapper vs Dixon, Lauden vs Axel) that he reached out to Mason and me for a 3-way interview. I readily accepted because, you know, that's what friends do.
And that's when the beautifully constructed house of cards came crashing down.
Around the midway mark, I noticed that Bard had quite the hard-on for my costar. He was a little too chummy. A little too deferential to the "magical nipples" of Mason Brooks and a little too flippant and dismissive of what was my, admittedly, lopsided win-loss record. He started bandying a word about like it was no big deal.
He kept calling me a "jobber".
But he always did it in a way that he obliviously thinks was complimentary or nice. Stuff like "handsome jobber" or "suffers prettily." I'm obviously paraphrasing here, but the point is, he thought that by playing to my vanity, I would stop listening and bask in the compliment and ignore the insult that was tacked on to it. Nuh uh. No way.
My ire towards my once favorite blogger continued to grow as he continued to joke about calling me a jobber. Like he hadn't just kicked sand in my face.
And then Christmas time came around and I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I sent him a Christmas card, with some sexy pictures, wishing him a merry Christmas, inciting people to visit BOTH of our blogs. And I promised him an ass-kicking in a pear tree, or something.
He continued to taunt me from the safety of a huge geographical distance and play keyboard warrior, saying he was going to give me a beatdown with Mason as referee. Nope.
Months went by, barbs were continually exchanged and then, I found out that he would be in vicinity of the BG ring...perfect. Time to cash in that IOU.
And then fucking D2 had to step in.
To be continued
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Thanks...new month...new start
Thanks for taking that little trip with me through the cinephile part of me. I hope that my reviews of the films did two things, 1) Didn't give too much away and 2.) Interested you enough to seek them out.
If not, I'm sure that you can dig their full stories (including the secrets and plot twists) up in some place on the web, it's not that hard. But Jesus, exercise your brains people.
We live in a world where it's all bright and flashy and quick. We live in a world where people seek quick, instant gratification. Where the value of somethi-IURK! Letth go! Ughh you dirty bastard...
Shh, shh... go to sleep boy...shut your bleeding heart, ever-running
mouth. Yes, that's it...relax...let your eyes roll back...you like sleepers, yeah? Shh, shh...
And there we go...he's out.
Whew, I thought that would NEVER end!
Now...who's ready to get back in the ring or even maybe...the mats?
Coming soon: The Kiss Part 4: A whole new world
If not, I'm sure that you can dig their full stories (including the secrets and plot twists) up in some place on the web, it's not that hard. But Jesus, exercise your brains people.
We live in a world where it's all bright and flashy and quick. We live in a world where people seek quick, instant gratification. Where the value of somethi-IURK! Letth go! Ughh you dirty bastard...
Shh, shh... go to sleep boy...shut your bleeding heart, ever-running
And there we go...he's out.
Now...who's ready to get back in the ring or even maybe...the mats?
Coming soon: The Kiss Part 4: A whole new world
#1 장화, 홍련 / A Tale of Two Sisters
So, here is the moment that all of you have been waiting for...the big Halloween reveal of my #1 horror movie of the season...but before I continue...I'd like to point out a few things...
When I embarked on this little, experimental journey I thought no one would find it of interest, but oddly enough, two fans came forward (one through global and one through email) telling me that they, firstly, enjoyed my BGEast work, and secondly, were loving the work I was doing on my blog, especially the horror movie countdown. This was news to me as I thought that, if anything, these reviews were a cathartic exercise for me and were challenging me to get in the habit of writing more often.
I was even more surprised to find that my review of The Ghost is now the highest viewed entry of this blog, while I'm shocked at this since movie reviews are not the focus of the blog (do I even have a main focus? No you don't) I feel somewhat...vindicated...
But alas, this is the end of the series (for now), I plan on bringing it back every year with a different batch of obscure, underrated, forgotten, and older horror movies (this year's choices stretched all the way back to 1990!) I may drop a review here and there but this is purely a seasonal thing, so if it wasn't your bag, I get it. Start your own damn blog.
My picks for the order of the ranked movies was not based on personal preference, beyond grabbing them out of my DVD book, because one common theme in this series was, "I don't remember what I felt about these movies beyond remembering maybe liking them." Another common theme is a little more subtle (not to mention purely coincidental) and you'll get big kudos if you email or comment here telling me the prevailing theme that these movies shared...I'm looking for one word here.
The order of these movies was dependent upon their respective RT ratings (my favorite website), if there was not an official score, I went with the audience rating. Judging by the long-windedness of their reviews, I liked these movies a lot more than most people.
I fell behind a few times and I admit that I'm racing the clock and trying not to sacrifice quality and giving tonight's movie its due (because it didn't earn my top spot for no reason) even now.
Then get on with it! Noone wants to hear about how clever you think you are, you pretentious twat...that's my job!
Sigh, fine then, Drake...
Most people view movies for purely escapist reasons, my reasons stretch a little further. I want a story that challenges me to think, that makes me question things. I also watch a movie for who directed it, who wrote it, who's starring in it. This often irritates my friends because, in the same way, I rarely watch trailers (trailers always play as a greatest hits reel). If I hear about a movie with a great premise, or I hear who's attached to the project, I ignore reviews, trailers, everything and just go see it. So when I invite friends out to a movie, their first question is, "What's that about?" And my answer goes something like, "I dunno, but I wanna see it."
Tonight's film comes by way of South Korea, again. I can't help it! These people are fucking beautiful and moody as hell!
Su-mi, a young girl, meets a doctor in a sterile room, alone with the one man who holds her fate in his hands...for now. He tries to coax her to remember why she's in this hospital, to remember what put her under his care. Her eyes are downcast and her lips unmoving, silent, near catatonic.
The timeline is a bit confusing, we don't know how long Su-mi has been in the hospital but she's finally getting to go home to move back in with her father and her sister, Su-yeon. A bit of a surprise is waiting for her as her widower father has moved his girlfriend, Eun-joo, in as well. It is clear from the chemistry between Su-mi and Eun-joo that they have history and haven't got along.
Discussions bounce back and forth between Su-mi and Su-yeon as we come to learn that their mother died a while back and that Eun-joo is apparently their stepmother. Eun-joo, when the girls' father is not around, tries to assert her new maternal authority, both girls balking; Su-mi more openly defiant, and Su-yeon a timid mouse that fears Eun-joo.
One night, Su-mi notices that Su-yeon is acting weird and soon makes the girl spill whats going on and gets a look at the bruises on her arms. Su-mi becomes convinced that, in her absence, Eun-joo began abusing Su-yeon and begins plotting ways to make the woman leave so that they can get back to some semblance of a happy family life.
As time goes on, Su-mi and Su-yeon, laboring under the scary power trip that Eun-joo has gone on, begin to see apparitions in the house. The house seemingly coming to life and frightening them... a woman crawling through their bedroom at night (the first time I watched this film, this scene in particular caused me to start shaking in fear, terrifying me so much that I was forced to shut off the film and come back to at a later time), visions of a skinless humanoid form screaming with the voice of an infant and reaching out from beneath the blankets for them.
This movie unfolds slowly, beautifully, with subtle clues leading to the climax when all (well, most) is explained. Why the haunting? What is Su-mi so pissed about? Why is their mother dead? How? Why won't their father step in?
Su-mi goes to her father complaining about the mysterious goings-on in their home and complaining about "that woman you brought home." Her father brushes her off, suggesting that maybe Su-mi has not healed from the earlier trauma, that maybe she's having trouble adjusting, and needs a little more time away.
Su-mi feeling alone in her battle, as if she and her sister are the only ones seeing what's going on, withdraws into herself and spends more time with Su-yeon.
One morning Eun-joo comes into Su-yeon's room in a rage screaming at her asking her what she's done. We are left floundering, confused with Su-yeon and Eun-joo loses her shit, demanding Su-yeon get out of bed. Eun-joo eyes a weird abnormality in Su-yeon's bed. Yanking the covers back, she finds the bloody form of her best friend, a pet bird, in Su-yeon's mattress.
Flying into an even bigger rage she throws Su-yeon into her wardrobe, locking her in as she screams and struggles, trapped in the dark, fighting to get free. Eun-joo tortures her, forcing her to confess to the murder of the bird and apologize before she frees her. Su-yeon finally acquiesces and Eun-joo opens the door, demanding that she stop crying and apologize again. Before Su-yeon can catch her breath and comply, she is soon shut up in the tight, dark wardrobe again.
And that's probably all that happens in the first half and doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of just what this fabulous piece of cinema is really all about. It's an intricately-woven story that reveals just enough along the way to give you have the information you need to merely follow the story, not revealing the bigger picture until it's time. And Jesus it is unveiled in grand fashion.
This film is quiet, even in its dark, intensely scary moments, punctuated by very brief musical stingers. I've already mentioned the climbing-into-bed scene, but there's other moments, like the dinner party, where Eun-joo reminds her brother, Sun-kyu, of stories in hysterical fashion only for him to rebuff her by saying he doesn't remember anything of what she's relayed. Sun-kyu's wife soon has a massive freak out, nearly seizing on the floor for unknown reasons.
A few minutes later we're treated to just what caused her fit as Eun-joo bends down to pick up a hair pin. This scene one of the many stand outs in the film as the suspense builds and builds, the director teasing you because you know the jump-scare is coming, right about... here? Oh, I guess it's not going to... HOLY SHIT!!! I've seen this film countless times and the aforementioned experience was what I had on this viewing. It's the horror movie equivalent of edging, and Jesus Christ, the payoff is gratifying.
The setting of the isolated countryside of South Korea is breathtaking, looking as if the story is taking place in early-to-mid fall. The girls comfortable enough to wear breathable clothing and swirl their feet in the lake as they reunite on the dock, the tall grass blowing in the wind having turned to browns and yellows.
The music is sparse, instead letting the images and story lend gravity to this tale (which is based on a Korean folk-tale which is pretty fucked up in its own right) drawing you in with only tastes of what's to come.
I like how intentional the pacing of the film is, it's as if we're watching the spontaneous creation of something. Just for the sake of illustration, let's say we're sitting and watching Da Vinci paint the Last Supper, he just picking up a brush as inspiration hits him and going with it (despite Dan Brown's theories) the big picture being revealed to him at the same time it is being revealed to us. We're watching a masterpiece being brought to life, our reactions breathing into an inanimate object the breath of life.
We watch Su-mi and Eun-joo battle it out, psychologically (who do you trust? The daughter sent away for being sick or your new blushing bride?) and eventually physically, Eun-joo asking "How did we get ourselves to this point?" as she holds a statuette over Su-mi's head. It's a dazzlingly beautiful display of violence, the blood not so much shocking as it is necessary, to punctuate just how mortal and serious this is. One of the women is seen beating a bulging, bloodied bag with a fireplace poker (another iconic scene, for me anyways).
As the story draws to a close, an unexpected visitor's arrival pulls the thread out of this beautiful tapestry and pulls the curtain back on the story, revealing what we just witnessed, connecting the pieces we were given and the film's true story is exposed to the light.
While not as draining on the heart as Jacob's Ladder was, A Tale of Two Sisters is heartbreaking and bleak. It is a masterpiece of filmmaking from any country. Its power in the fact that it's one of the first SoKo movies to be screened in cinemas across the US.
It eventually influenced an English-language remake which tweaked the story in some big ways but still kept the tone and plot similar enough to satisfy me, but streamlining it so its horror elements were more up front for American audiences (as opposed to asian horror movies' dedication to letting the horror creep just out of frame or focus and closing in on you from the peripheral, subconscious before it's too late.)
Janghwa, Hongryeon is a triumph of sorts and is criminally underseen. Do yourself a favor and track down a copy.
When I embarked on this little, experimental journey I thought no one would find it of interest, but oddly enough, two fans came forward (one through global and one through email) telling me that they, firstly, enjoyed my BGEast work, and secondly, were loving the work I was doing on my blog, especially the horror movie countdown. This was news to me as I thought that, if anything, these reviews were a cathartic exercise for me and were challenging me to get in the habit of writing more often.
I was even more surprised to find that my review of The Ghost is now the highest viewed entry of this blog, while I'm shocked at this since movie reviews are not the focus of the blog (do I even have a main focus? No you don't) I feel somewhat...vindicated...
But alas, this is the end of the series (for now), I plan on bringing it back every year with a different batch of obscure, underrated, forgotten, and older horror movies (this year's choices stretched all the way back to 1990!) I may drop a review here and there but this is purely a seasonal thing, so if it wasn't your bag, I get it. Start your own damn blog.
My picks for the order of the ranked movies was not based on personal preference, beyond grabbing them out of my DVD book, because one common theme in this series was, "I don't remember what I felt about these movies beyond remembering maybe liking them." Another common theme is a little more subtle (not to mention purely coincidental) and you'll get big kudos if you email or comment here telling me the prevailing theme that these movies shared...I'm looking for one word here.
The order of these movies was dependent upon their respective RT ratings (my favorite website), if there was not an official score, I went with the audience rating. Judging by the long-windedness of their reviews, I liked these movies a lot more than most people.
I fell behind a few times and I admit that I'm racing the clock and trying not to sacrifice quality and giving tonight's movie its due (because it didn't earn my top spot for no reason) even now.
Then get on with it! Noone wants to hear about how clever you think you are, you pretentious twat...that's my job!
Sigh, fine then, Drake...
Most people view movies for purely escapist reasons, my reasons stretch a little further. I want a story that challenges me to think, that makes me question things. I also watch a movie for who directed it, who wrote it, who's starring in it. This often irritates my friends because, in the same way, I rarely watch trailers (trailers always play as a greatest hits reel). If I hear about a movie with a great premise, or I hear who's attached to the project, I ignore reviews, trailers, everything and just go see it. So when I invite friends out to a movie, their first question is, "What's that about?" And my answer goes something like, "I dunno, but I wanna see it."
Tonight's film comes by way of South Korea, again. I can't help it! These people are fucking beautiful and moody as hell!
 |
| A Tale of Two Sisters / Janghwa, Hongryeon |
The timeline is a bit confusing, we don't know how long Su-mi has been in the hospital but she's finally getting to go home to move back in with her father and her sister, Su-yeon. A bit of a surprise is waiting for her as her widower father has moved his girlfriend, Eun-joo, in as well. It is clear from the chemistry between Su-mi and Eun-joo that they have history and haven't got along.
Discussions bounce back and forth between Su-mi and Su-yeon as we come to learn that their mother died a while back and that Eun-joo is apparently their stepmother. Eun-joo, when the girls' father is not around, tries to assert her new maternal authority, both girls balking; Su-mi more openly defiant, and Su-yeon a timid mouse that fears Eun-joo.
One night, Su-mi notices that Su-yeon is acting weird and soon makes the girl spill whats going on and gets a look at the bruises on her arms. Su-mi becomes convinced that, in her absence, Eun-joo began abusing Su-yeon and begins plotting ways to make the woman leave so that they can get back to some semblance of a happy family life.
As time goes on, Su-mi and Su-yeon, laboring under the scary power trip that Eun-joo has gone on, begin to see apparitions in the house. The house seemingly coming to life and frightening them... a woman crawling through their bedroom at night (the first time I watched this film, this scene in particular caused me to start shaking in fear, terrifying me so much that I was forced to shut off the film and come back to at a later time), visions of a skinless humanoid form screaming with the voice of an infant and reaching out from beneath the blankets for them.
This movie unfolds slowly, beautifully, with subtle clues leading to the climax when all (well, most) is explained. Why the haunting? What is Su-mi so pissed about? Why is their mother dead? How? Why won't their father step in?
Su-mi goes to her father complaining about the mysterious goings-on in their home and complaining about "that woman you brought home." Her father brushes her off, suggesting that maybe Su-mi has not healed from the earlier trauma, that maybe she's having trouble adjusting, and needs a little more time away.
Su-mi feeling alone in her battle, as if she and her sister are the only ones seeing what's going on, withdraws into herself and spends more time with Su-yeon.
One morning Eun-joo comes into Su-yeon's room in a rage screaming at her asking her what she's done. We are left floundering, confused with Su-yeon and Eun-joo loses her shit, demanding Su-yeon get out of bed. Eun-joo eyes a weird abnormality in Su-yeon's bed. Yanking the covers back, she finds the bloody form of her best friend, a pet bird, in Su-yeon's mattress.
Flying into an even bigger rage she throws Su-yeon into her wardrobe, locking her in as she screams and struggles, trapped in the dark, fighting to get free. Eun-joo tortures her, forcing her to confess to the murder of the bird and apologize before she frees her. Su-yeon finally acquiesces and Eun-joo opens the door, demanding that she stop crying and apologize again. Before Su-yeon can catch her breath and comply, she is soon shut up in the tight, dark wardrobe again.
And that's probably all that happens in the first half and doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of just what this fabulous piece of cinema is really all about. It's an intricately-woven story that reveals just enough along the way to give you have the information you need to merely follow the story, not revealing the bigger picture until it's time. And Jesus it is unveiled in grand fashion.
This film is quiet, even in its dark, intensely scary moments, punctuated by very brief musical stingers. I've already mentioned the climbing-into-bed scene, but there's other moments, like the dinner party, where Eun-joo reminds her brother, Sun-kyu, of stories in hysterical fashion only for him to rebuff her by saying he doesn't remember anything of what she's relayed. Sun-kyu's wife soon has a massive freak out, nearly seizing on the floor for unknown reasons.
A few minutes later we're treated to just what caused her fit as Eun-joo bends down to pick up a hair pin. This scene one of the many stand outs in the film as the suspense builds and builds, the director teasing you because you know the jump-scare is coming, right about... here? Oh, I guess it's not going to... HOLY SHIT!!! I've seen this film countless times and the aforementioned experience was what I had on this viewing. It's the horror movie equivalent of edging, and Jesus Christ, the payoff is gratifying.
The setting of the isolated countryside of South Korea is breathtaking, looking as if the story is taking place in early-to-mid fall. The girls comfortable enough to wear breathable clothing and swirl their feet in the lake as they reunite on the dock, the tall grass blowing in the wind having turned to browns and yellows.
The music is sparse, instead letting the images and story lend gravity to this tale (which is based on a Korean folk-tale which is pretty fucked up in its own right) drawing you in with only tastes of what's to come.
I like how intentional the pacing of the film is, it's as if we're watching the spontaneous creation of something. Just for the sake of illustration, let's say we're sitting and watching Da Vinci paint the Last Supper, he just picking up a brush as inspiration hits him and going with it (despite Dan Brown's theories) the big picture being revealed to him at the same time it is being revealed to us. We're watching a masterpiece being brought to life, our reactions breathing into an inanimate object the breath of life.
We watch Su-mi and Eun-joo battle it out, psychologically (who do you trust? The daughter sent away for being sick or your new blushing bride?) and eventually physically, Eun-joo asking "How did we get ourselves to this point?" as she holds a statuette over Su-mi's head. It's a dazzlingly beautiful display of violence, the blood not so much shocking as it is necessary, to punctuate just how mortal and serious this is. One of the women is seen beating a bulging, bloodied bag with a fireplace poker (another iconic scene, for me anyways).
As the story draws to a close, an unexpected visitor's arrival pulls the thread out of this beautiful tapestry and pulls the curtain back on the story, revealing what we just witnessed, connecting the pieces we were given and the film's true story is exposed to the light.
While not as draining on the heart as Jacob's Ladder was, A Tale of Two Sisters is heartbreaking and bleak. It is a masterpiece of filmmaking from any country. Its power in the fact that it's one of the first SoKo movies to be screened in cinemas across the US.
It eventually influenced an English-language remake which tweaked the story in some big ways but still kept the tone and plot similar enough to satisfy me, but streamlining it so its horror elements were more up front for American audiences (as opposed to asian horror movies' dedication to letting the horror creep just out of frame or focus and closing in on you from the peripheral, subconscious before it's too late.)
Janghwa, Hongryeon is a triumph of sorts and is criminally underseen. Do yourself a favor and track down a copy.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Quite a mouthful...
Money has been spent, and studies have been conducted on sexual hangups and human sexuality in general. While I think that my sexuality is, for the most part, fixed (I've experienced nothing that has changed it as of yet) I'm not so sure if I subscribe to a certain theory.
Some people say men are homosexual because of spiritual torment, gender confusion, childhood rape, improper potty training...people are so obsessed with finding out why something happened but even if a cause can be traced, what's the point? And even then, maybe I just like guys.
I've jokingly said in the past that women and their parts terrify me. I've even gone so far as to say that, "vaginas are the devourer of worlds." I've said that they remind me of this:
and this:
But, all jokes aside, women just don't do it for me.
Had I seen tonight's film back when I was trying to explain my sexuality, I might have cited it.
Teeth is another slow-burn horror film, but it can also be considered a feminist manifesto, or maybe even a morality/cautionary tale.
A young girl named Dawn is somewhat awkward (not so much as our friend from yesterday, May) as she grows up. Her divorced and remarried family living in a town that is built around a nuclear plant (which may, or may not, hold the key to Dawn's mystery). One warm summer day, Dawn has an experience with her stepbrother when, in a kiddie pool not even 100 feet away from their parents, he says "Ok, now you show me yours."
He soon starts screaming, his finger bleeding profusely from a seemingly unknown cause.
Fast forward 16 years and Dawn's family is still plugging away, her mother very sick, her stepfather helpless, her stepbrother oddly still harboring lust for her, and Dawn is the member of a Christian evangelical group. She and her small group of friends traveling around and talking to young children about the "gift" of their virginity and the "virtue" of abstinence and waiting until marriage.
She encounters a young man who is new to her school and soon a member of their "The Ring Club" and begins to have feelings of the sexual nature towards him. He confides in her that he is only a virgin in God's eyes and though she is disappointed continues to be attracted to him, losing herself in a nighttime almost masturbatory fantasy. When she realizes the strength of her attraction she tells him she can't see him again.
But her desires prove to be too strong as she soon calls him out to the woods for a rendezvous in a waterfall cave. She tries her best to keep her vow as he attempts to seduce her, she tries to push him off, "I'm saying no!" and he continues to push, frustrated with her refusal he bashes her head against a rock dazing her and continues to try to force himself onto her. As he finally gets what he's after, he begins to convulse and scream, backing away from her in horror, and we're shown what's gone wrong...his penis is missing.
Dawn flees from the scene and spends the duration of the film trying to figure out exactly what's wrong with her and why.
After a biology class where she learns about evolution, she seeks out a gynecologist and asks him to check for any such "adaptations." He, also, begins to force himself on her, abusing his position of power, sliding his hand into her vagina, but just like her first sexual tryst, he soon falls back screaming "Its true! Vagina dentata!" his fingers disconnected and spread across the floor.She flees the scene as well.
And that's what this film is about people: a toothed vagina.
It has a lot of other philosophical issues going on concerning sexual/gender inequality, incest, rape, religious dogma run amok, and, among others, emasculation.
Dawn is completely alone, lost in a world where the only people who can help her understand what is happening to her and her body are men. So it makes a sociopolitical statement as well...a bunch of 50-something-year-old men making laws to control women's bodies.
I'll admit, this movie is extremely far-fetched and it's kind of amazing that they were able to flesh out a full-length feature with such a preposterous idea but hey, we live in a world where movies like Human Centipede still get made.
This film is terrifying and at the same time darkly hilarious and required viewing, if for no other reason than to say you saw it.
Some people say men are homosexual because of spiritual torment, gender confusion, childhood rape, improper potty training...people are so obsessed with finding out why something happened but even if a cause can be traced, what's the point? And even then, maybe I just like guys.
I've jokingly said in the past that women and their parts terrify me. I've even gone so far as to say that, "vaginas are the devourer of worlds." I've said that they remind me of this:
 |
| Predator |
 |
| Poltergeist |
and this:
But, all jokes aside, women just don't do it for me.
Had I seen tonight's film back when I was trying to explain my sexuality, I might have cited it.
Teeth is another slow-burn horror film, but it can also be considered a feminist manifesto, or maybe even a morality/cautionary tale.
A young girl named Dawn is somewhat awkward (not so much as our friend from yesterday, May) as she grows up. Her divorced and remarried family living in a town that is built around a nuclear plant (which may, or may not, hold the key to Dawn's mystery). One warm summer day, Dawn has an experience with her stepbrother when, in a kiddie pool not even 100 feet away from their parents, he says "Ok, now you show me yours."
He soon starts screaming, his finger bleeding profusely from a seemingly unknown cause.
Fast forward 16 years and Dawn's family is still plugging away, her mother very sick, her stepfather helpless, her stepbrother oddly still harboring lust for her, and Dawn is the member of a Christian evangelical group. She and her small group of friends traveling around and talking to young children about the "gift" of their virginity and the "virtue" of abstinence and waiting until marriage.
She encounters a young man who is new to her school and soon a member of their "The Ring Club" and begins to have feelings of the sexual nature towards him. He confides in her that he is only a virgin in God's eyes and though she is disappointed continues to be attracted to him, losing herself in a nighttime almost masturbatory fantasy. When she realizes the strength of her attraction she tells him she can't see him again.
But her desires prove to be too strong as she soon calls him out to the woods for a rendezvous in a waterfall cave. She tries her best to keep her vow as he attempts to seduce her, she tries to push him off, "I'm saying no!" and he continues to push, frustrated with her refusal he bashes her head against a rock dazing her and continues to try to force himself onto her. As he finally gets what he's after, he begins to convulse and scream, backing away from her in horror, and we're shown what's gone wrong...his penis is missing.
Dawn flees from the scene and spends the duration of the film trying to figure out exactly what's wrong with her and why.
After a biology class where she learns about evolution, she seeks out a gynecologist and asks him to check for any such "adaptations." He, also, begins to force himself on her, abusing his position of power, sliding his hand into her vagina, but just like her first sexual tryst, he soon falls back screaming "Its true! Vagina dentata!" his fingers disconnected and spread across the floor.She flees the scene as well.
And that's what this film is about people: a toothed vagina.
It has a lot of other philosophical issues going on concerning sexual/gender inequality, incest, rape, religious dogma run amok, and, among others, emasculation.
Dawn is completely alone, lost in a world where the only people who can help her understand what is happening to her and her body are men. So it makes a sociopolitical statement as well...a bunch of 50-something-year-old men making laws to control women's bodies.
I'll admit, this movie is extremely far-fetched and it's kind of amazing that they were able to flesh out a full-length feature with such a preposterous idea but hey, we live in a world where movies like Human Centipede still get made.
This film is terrifying and at the same time darkly hilarious and required viewing, if for no other reason than to say you saw it.
Genesis 28: Angels ascending and descending
We're going back pretty far for this one, to a film released when I was a child.
Coming in at #3
In 1990 the surreal, psychological thriller known as Jacob's Ladder was released to very little immediate success, developing a cult-following years down the road.
We're introduced to the main character, Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins) and his troop in Vietnam, awaiting orders. They're smoking some "good shit" according to their light-hearted banner when suddenly they're sprung into action when they see movement from the Vietcong. Before they can properly set up a defense, most of them begin losing their minds, shaking, convulsing on the ground. Jacob escapes the attack only to be attacked by a bayonet.
He awakens on a subway realizing he was having a nightmare about his experiences in Vietnam. And begins an eventful trek home, getting lost in the subway tunnels before making his way out of the darkness.
Jacob begins having visions of everything that happened to him in Vietnam as well as visions of what he describes as "demons".
As various traumatizing events happen to him, he alternates between three different realities, his flashbacks of Vietnam, a life with his wife and children (a VERY young Macauley Culkin), and a life with his girlfriend. Each time he wakes from one reality into the other he retains the memories, unable to distinguish just which one is real.
He reconnects with his friends that he served with, all of them suffering a block, none of them able to remember exactly what happened during the attack. Not only do they have this in common with Jacob, they're also experiencing visions of the "demons" as well.
His friends are beginning to be targeted and they believe that the government had done something to them in the jungle. As they consult a lawyer to take up their case (a skinnier George Costanza/Jason Alexander) his friends soon back out as they are convinced by the lawyer that they were never in Vietnam, instead believing they were discharged for mental issues in Thailand during war games.
Jacob refuses to let the government rewrite what he knows happened and makes a scene with the lawyer, arguing with him in the courthouse. After the confrontation he is kidnapped by men who are presumably government henchman, threatening him that he and his friends need to quit causing trouble and to keep quiet about what they saw and experienced in the jungle.
Jacob barely escapes and is rushed to a hospital where he encounters the demons again as they perform barbaric surgeries on him.
His world and sanity are all careening out of control, unable to distinguish between good and evil, life and death, reality and fantasy, Jacob is a broken man.
This film isn't so much scary (although there are multiple scenes that elicited a jump and a yelp from me) as it is deeply, and girl I mean d-e-e-p-l-y disturbing. In looking over reviews of this film from back in the day, a great deal of them described the movie as a "traumatizing experience" and being "beaten down" and "unwilling to watch again." I can only concur. This movie is a severe downer, an emotional drain.
So...much...shit...happens in this movie. You never know exactly what is real during this movie as each stream of reality has explanations that both support and discredit previous suspicions and realities.
I can't say much about this movie without giving it all away. Much like High Tension, the ending of this movie may not seem too original as the plot device has become overused since this film was made, but, for its time, it was extremely jarring and groundbreaking.
It's a film about mistakes, damnation, regrets, conspiracies, hopes, dreams, faith, love, fate, and ultimately redemption.
It is worth noting that, in my research, 20 minutes were cut from the final film because it was too overwhelming on test audiences, despite the drag this movie had on my emotions I find myself yearning to see the "disturbing footage" that was cut.
The version of this movie that I saw came equipped with a mini-documentary with the writer and director explaining the themes and symbolism in the film that, should you decide to stay in the world, you will be greatly rewarded as this masterpiece is examined rung by rung.
Jacob's Ladder is one that needs climbed, a journey that needs to be taken, even if you consider yourself a hardened veteran of the genre. But be warned...it will take an emotional toll on you as the only thing you can do is cling to Jacob's sanity and pray you both make it out alive.
RottenTomatoes Score: 70% critics/81% audience
Drake Marcos Rating: 5/5 horny nurses
Coming in at #3
We're introduced to the main character, Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins) and his troop in Vietnam, awaiting orders. They're smoking some "good shit" according to their light-hearted banner when suddenly they're sprung into action when they see movement from the Vietcong. Before they can properly set up a defense, most of them begin losing their minds, shaking, convulsing on the ground. Jacob escapes the attack only to be attacked by a bayonet.
He awakens on a subway realizing he was having a nightmare about his experiences in Vietnam. And begins an eventful trek home, getting lost in the subway tunnels before making his way out of the darkness.
Jacob begins having visions of everything that happened to him in Vietnam as well as visions of what he describes as "demons".
As various traumatizing events happen to him, he alternates between three different realities, his flashbacks of Vietnam, a life with his wife and children (a VERY young Macauley Culkin), and a life with his girlfriend. Each time he wakes from one reality into the other he retains the memories, unable to distinguish just which one is real.
He reconnects with his friends that he served with, all of them suffering a block, none of them able to remember exactly what happened during the attack. Not only do they have this in common with Jacob, they're also experiencing visions of the "demons" as well.
His friends are beginning to be targeted and they believe that the government had done something to them in the jungle. As they consult a lawyer to take up their case (a skinnier George Costanza/Jason Alexander) his friends soon back out as they are convinced by the lawyer that they were never in Vietnam, instead believing they were discharged for mental issues in Thailand during war games.
Jacob refuses to let the government rewrite what he knows happened and makes a scene with the lawyer, arguing with him in the courthouse. After the confrontation he is kidnapped by men who are presumably government henchman, threatening him that he and his friends need to quit causing trouble and to keep quiet about what they saw and experienced in the jungle.
Jacob barely escapes and is rushed to a hospital where he encounters the demons again as they perform barbaric surgeries on him.
His world and sanity are all careening out of control, unable to distinguish between good and evil, life and death, reality and fantasy, Jacob is a broken man.
This film isn't so much scary (although there are multiple scenes that elicited a jump and a yelp from me) as it is deeply, and girl I mean d-e-e-p-l-y disturbing. In looking over reviews of this film from back in the day, a great deal of them described the movie as a "traumatizing experience" and being "beaten down" and "unwilling to watch again." I can only concur. This movie is a severe downer, an emotional drain.
So...much...shit...happens in this movie. You never know exactly what is real during this movie as each stream of reality has explanations that both support and discredit previous suspicions and realities.
I can't say much about this movie without giving it all away. Much like High Tension, the ending of this movie may not seem too original as the plot device has become overused since this film was made, but, for its time, it was extremely jarring and groundbreaking.
It's a film about mistakes, damnation, regrets, conspiracies, hopes, dreams, faith, love, fate, and ultimately redemption.
The version of this movie that I saw came equipped with a mini-documentary with the writer and director explaining the themes and symbolism in the film that, should you decide to stay in the world, you will be greatly rewarded as this masterpiece is examined rung by rung.
Jacob's Ladder is one that needs climbed, a journey that needs to be taken, even if you consider yourself a hardened veteran of the genre. But be warned...it will take an emotional toll on you as the only thing you can do is cling to Jacob's sanity and pray you both make it out alive.
RottenTomatoes Score: 70% critics/81% audience
Drake Marcos Rating: 5/5 horny nurses
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
April Showers bring May...that's it
Ok we're entering the homestretch for this horror movie blogseries that I've had a blast writing as I've been able to revisit some awesome gems that lay forgotten in my DVD collection. I've found myself entranced by these movies, experiencing them all over again as if it were the first time. I've caught things that I either missed or forgot from the first viewing. Viewing them with the intent of sharing them, I watched them from a more critical, personal standpoint as opposed to a nice 90-120 minute distraction.
So, we come to #4 tonight and it is a dark, gothic little piece that I've never quite been able to shake. Lucky McKee's May.
The film opens shockingly enough with a woman clutching her bloodied eye and screaming her lungs out and then cuts to the opening credits which is a haphazard assembly of patchwork and stitching.
We are soon introduced to our film's protagonist, May Kennedy, as a little girl. Her mother is obsessed with her daughter not being viewed as different or less-than other children as she suffers from a severe lazy eye, covered by an eyepatch.
Her mother tries to hide the eyepatch by positioning a lock of hair over it before leaving her at school. When she's out of sight May, in her first brazen display of quirky individuality, tucks the hair behind her ear, proudly sporting what she calls her "pirate patch."
May doesn't fit in...at all. And her mother, thinking she's doing her unfortunate daughter a favor says, "I always say...if you can't find friends...you MAKE them." She presents her daughter with a doll in a glass case, a creepy looking little humanoid creature known as "Suzie." When May tries to open the case to play with Suzie, her mother quickly chastises her. "Never take her out of the case...she's special."
Cut to modern day with May sowing one of her weird outfits and chatting with Suzie about guys she "met" during the day. Although she's proud of these meetings and tries to attach some kind of significance to them, we learn that of the two guys she met, she spoke to none of them.
One of them sat on a bench next to her and after seeing her insanely awkward smile, stands and moves away quickly, never to be seen again. The other, a man surveying a wrecked vehicle. The latter proves to play a huge role in the events that follow.
May soon becomes obsessed with the man she gazed on from afar, telling him, after multiple, extremely awkward run-ins, that he has beautiful hands. The two soon begin to date, May growing more confident in herself by being around him, but letting down her guard soon causes trouble.
May, being extremely socially awkward for most of her life, becomes guilty of oversharing and saying what's on her mind without a second thought, and acting on urges.
Adam shows her a short film he made in which a young couple is enjoying a picnic in the park that quickly turns into a cannibalism scene as the lovers devour each other. May gets turned on by this and she and Adam begin to fool around with May getting rough and biting Adam's lip drawing blood.
Adam draws away from her quickly, confusing May as it was "just like in your movie..." Adam, disturbed, tells her that he needs to go and leaves May in a daze. Having noone else to blame, she turns on her "best friend" Suzie, screaming at her. "I told you to face the wall!"
Becoming frustrated with Adam's willful ignorance of her, she turns to her coworker, Polly (played by a just-starting-out Anna Faris) and soon begins a sexual relationship with her, only to find out days later that May is not the only girl that Polly is seeing.
Distraught and depressed, May soon begins to hear Suzie speaking to her.
May, desperate for friendship and connection, soon makes friends as she volunteers to help out at a blind school, one day bringing Suzie in for show and tell. The children challenge her to take her out of the case and to share her "special friend". They begin grabbing at the case, fighting May for control and the glass case soon topples, shattering onto the floor. The children sense Suzie's liberation and begin scrambling over the floor, crawling over the shards of glass, turning the classroom into a blood bath as they clutch and claw at Suzie, still fighting with May and Suzie is soon torn apart, leaving May, for the first time, completely and utterly alone.
May's already fragile mental state suffers a break at this point as she begins to examine her relationships, questioning her friends' love and loyalty for her.
The film, being a slow-burn character study up to this point, veers back into the horror territory as May begins to take control of her life and carve out her own identity, displaying complete confidence in herself. The last 30 minutes of the film escalates to a fever pitch with an ending that is completely shocking to behold and we realize just what led up to the opening scene with May screaming and clutching at her bloodied eye.
We see everything come together, masterfully. Our jaws drop as everything comes full circle. And everything comes to a head on Halloween night.
This film is a sad one to watch because you see May's awkwardness, her inability to relate to others around her. Her desperation to be seen, to connect. To not be the "weird girl". It's a heart wrenching ending, and is really fucking good.
RottenTomatoes score: 69%
Drake Marcos rating: 5/5 pushy handicapped kids
So, we come to #4 tonight and it is a dark, gothic little piece that I've never quite been able to shake. Lucky McKee's May.
We are soon introduced to our film's protagonist, May Kennedy, as a little girl. Her mother is obsessed with her daughter not being viewed as different or less-than other children as she suffers from a severe lazy eye, covered by an eyepatch.
Her mother tries to hide the eyepatch by positioning a lock of hair over it before leaving her at school. When she's out of sight May, in her first brazen display of quirky individuality, tucks the hair behind her ear, proudly sporting what she calls her "pirate patch."
May doesn't fit in...at all. And her mother, thinking she's doing her unfortunate daughter a favor says, "I always say...if you can't find friends...you MAKE them." She presents her daughter with a doll in a glass case, a creepy looking little humanoid creature known as "Suzie." When May tries to open the case to play with Suzie, her mother quickly chastises her. "Never take her out of the case...she's special."
Cut to modern day with May sowing one of her weird outfits and chatting with Suzie about guys she "met" during the day. Although she's proud of these meetings and tries to attach some kind of significance to them, we learn that of the two guys she met, she spoke to none of them.
One of them sat on a bench next to her and after seeing her insanely awkward smile, stands and moves away quickly, never to be seen again. The other, a man surveying a wrecked vehicle. The latter proves to play a huge role in the events that follow.
May soon becomes obsessed with the man she gazed on from afar, telling him, after multiple, extremely awkward run-ins, that he has beautiful hands. The two soon begin to date, May growing more confident in herself by being around him, but letting down her guard soon causes trouble.
May, being extremely socially awkward for most of her life, becomes guilty of oversharing and saying what's on her mind without a second thought, and acting on urges.
Adam shows her a short film he made in which a young couple is enjoying a picnic in the park that quickly turns into a cannibalism scene as the lovers devour each other. May gets turned on by this and she and Adam begin to fool around with May getting rough and biting Adam's lip drawing blood.
Adam draws away from her quickly, confusing May as it was "just like in your movie..." Adam, disturbed, tells her that he needs to go and leaves May in a daze. Having noone else to blame, she turns on her "best friend" Suzie, screaming at her. "I told you to face the wall!"
Becoming frustrated with Adam's willful ignorance of her, she turns to her coworker, Polly (played by a just-starting-out Anna Faris) and soon begins a sexual relationship with her, only to find out days later that May is not the only girl that Polly is seeing.
Distraught and depressed, May soon begins to hear Suzie speaking to her.
May, desperate for friendship and connection, soon makes friends as she volunteers to help out at a blind school, one day bringing Suzie in for show and tell. The children challenge her to take her out of the case and to share her "special friend". They begin grabbing at the case, fighting May for control and the glass case soon topples, shattering onto the floor. The children sense Suzie's liberation and begin scrambling over the floor, crawling over the shards of glass, turning the classroom into a blood bath as they clutch and claw at Suzie, still fighting with May and Suzie is soon torn apart, leaving May, for the first time, completely and utterly alone.
May's already fragile mental state suffers a break at this point as she begins to examine her relationships, questioning her friends' love and loyalty for her.
The film, being a slow-burn character study up to this point, veers back into the horror territory as May begins to take control of her life and carve out her own identity, displaying complete confidence in herself. The last 30 minutes of the film escalates to a fever pitch with an ending that is completely shocking to behold and we realize just what led up to the opening scene with May screaming and clutching at her bloodied eye.
We see everything come together, masterfully. Our jaws drop as everything comes full circle. And everything comes to a head on Halloween night.
This film is a sad one to watch because you see May's awkwardness, her inability to relate to others around her. Her desperation to be seen, to connect. To not be the "weird girl". It's a heart wrenching ending, and is really fucking good.
RottenTomatoes score: 69%
Drake Marcos rating: 5/5 pushy handicapped kids
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